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heartbeat: Becoming Whole

Updated: Mar 28, 2021

Hi All,

It's time for another post in the "heartbeat" series, and for me, this one came about as I could have easily written about many other topics on healing. There are so many messages out there in the world, but as I promised you, I have chosen to retreat from the many tugs and pulls of national politics to come back into my little life and focus on the healing and progression there this year. Trauma can do that to you. In one way, you can go through trauma and it teaches you about your resilience. It can teach you about how to keep going forward in the midst of adversity so you don't give up on yourself or allow yourself to take a downward spiral. It can teach you strength. The reality of trauma is that it also tells you where your limitations are and all about your current stretch of coping mechanisms and their effectiveness. Once you reach the edge of effectiveness in coping from trauma without the results you are hoping for, then it's time to make a change and say that trauma can also teach you about change, homeostasis, and coming back to a functional authentic self that works for the world you are living in.

That's what drew me into flexing some old muscles on intimacy and vulnerability. We live in a time that is all about change and all about healing. We are adapting to something very new in our culture where we are working to correct past wrongs. The errors of the past that drove our culture into a pandemic and discrimination are the errors that prompt us to sit with our own healing and adaptation. I don't feel the need to chase the current politics as much as I feel a very deep calling into trust and personal healing. I don't find myself needing to directly influence the collective narrative as much as I want to make an impact in my little world in the ways that matter. Maybe my recent car accident put things into perspective, but I'm learning more how to put myself first while placing deep importance on holding special relationships in my life as sacred. I'm not fixing as much as I'm making it a point to connect. I'm recognizing that to be my best, I must be willing to let go of old ways that don't resonate with my feminine self and capacity for intimacy. Rather than seeing the entire world as a ball of competition and forces tugging and pulling constantly, I'm coming back into a space where I allow myself to remember how I was made and the natural gifts of my soul and experience. I'm drawing into listening more. I'm getting deeper trauma and struggle unstuck by connecting with people with a desire to understand their circumstance and a desire to let go of a trauma shell. It's not that the world isn't stressful, because it is, but I don't feel the need to always respond to it. It's better for my mental health and psyche for the long term.

Becoming whole is a practice that I surrendered to this year because I knew that I wanted God to truly give me a breakthrough on my trajectory. After a few years of debilitating PTSD and now recovery from a car accident, it became a perfect time to stop playing around with life and pretending it was going to get better by doing the same things I was doing prior to the accident. I knew that love was important to me, both self-love and love with a life partner. I know that the type of man that best for me is a feminist man and that those kinds of men are truly few and far between. So, when I meet them, I'm truly grateful.Yet, this time, I'm called to be patient with myself in the recovery process. What I noticed most about my car accident recovery is that it revealed to me how much my brain needed to change to get a full recovery. I have new limitations but new motivation to heal because I'm looking at the future. I'm realizing how important it is for me to listen to my body and set boundaries. I can't play around with it anymore. So, it just means that I can't always be influencing or going with the influence. It means that I need to simply listen and be very open for healing. Because I can be more overwhelmed on an energetic level, I have to set boundaries sooner without doubt or much apology. I know it saves my life and energy. Becoming whole can be a full time job if you don't make it a part-time job every day when you are younger.

Currently, I am doing physical therapy for my whiplash, concussion, and chest inflammation injuries from the accident. What I love about my therapist's approach is that authentic listening, presence, and healing space I feel every time I go so that I have permission to let my trauma heal. Just the same, I also love that there is that encouragement to do the passive healing (receiving) while also shifting into the active healing (building strength). This approach likely has saved my life on many levels so I don't feel dominated but I'm also encouraged to come out of old baggage. I'm constantly called into the listening, so I know that I can't get out of this trauma until I give a really heartfelt look at my ability to try to get everything under control. Becoming whole means that my body has its way of doing things. I can't always control it. It's teaching me.

Right now, I feel that many of us are trying to get back into self-awareness. We've had so much division, fighting, and disconnect that there must be another way to do things so that we can thrive. Self-awareness is a humble way to start. My body has good and bad days, but I'm noticing more of what is good for me rather than having to adapt to a major dysfunction that won't go away. I find that when we have more exposure to what is good for us, our body will embrace joy more, especially if it forgot what that experience was like.

For me, I've had to truly revisit that joy experience. When I am surrounded by something good, I have lately prayed to God in thankfulness, because when I don't have enough, I don't even realize the gravity of what is missing in my life until the goodness returns to bring me back to balance. Our bodies can both forget and remember. It can forget what love feels like and guard up because of so much trauma, and it can joyfully remember what love and healing feels like when it has re-exposure. The key to reversing trauma and becoming whole is that experience of trust. Deep trust at that. I've learned by my outside environment not to trust as deeply, but because I consistently pray, I've realized that God has gotten bigger to help support me with people who are more healing for me. It reminds me to become whole because I can see what that looks like again. I can remember that it was inside me all along but it can be very hidden until something prompts it to become alive again. When I express gratitude and thankfulness for those moments in which healing comes into my life, then it can open up the invitation for more healing to occur.

We are in a time when we need great healing. We are in a time of great adjustment. We've been in a time of great change. We need to give ourselves time for healing. We need to invite it in. It would be advantageous for us to surrender more into healing. We can be more effective with healing. These are simple ideas that start from a place of gratitude, prayer, and thank you. We don't need to placate it or fake it. When you know that you have been introduced to a healing force again, it will reinvigorate you and that is a positive experience. We need it. I know I do. I hope that there will be more openness for the healing to occur in these times. For me, I'm in a more introverted time in recovery to make sure the healing is solid and honest. I know my brain will thank me for this process after so long in distress. I hope more will make a choice to do the work this year to deepen the healing state in ourselves and our communities. We need it, and we need our systems to reflect these current needs so that the fear and divisions can subside.

I hope that you'll take a step and breathe, listen, connect, and create space for that deeper healing. It's time. The heartbeat is important and the choices you make now can influence your part-time or full time job of the future when it comes to putting yourself back together again in trauma. Every day you make a choice to put your healing and wholeness first gives you more strength, and in these times, true strength is a medicine that can solve many problems and it doesn't always roar. It can be in the vulnerable moments. So, be willing to go there. There is so much to learn. So much to see. So much breathing to do.

To your best healing,


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